From a mother with a newborn in the middle of the pandemic

A letter for you

I must write quickly before Luna wakes up from her nap and it is time to breastfeed one more time, before Gavin finishes his schoolwork.

It is morning when the last patches of dark disappear.

I am sipping my coffee and writing.

Honor yourself.

Honor this stillness.

Yes, you are doing a remarkable job today.

As parents we keep secrets. We keep the last drop of sanity to keep our loved ones safe.

Anxiety kicks in. Fear. Insecurities.

It’s wild surfing the internet:

The news. The deaths rising every day.

It is overwhelming…

Give me a freaking break…...

Cut me some slack mothafuckers...

I am not indulging in self-pity.

I am listening to my intuition.

I am using my voice:

Guess what?

You do not have to be an art teacher to your kids.

You do not have to bake, dance, keep your cool, keep calm.

I am a good mom. and you are a good mom

I bake because baking makes my house smell good.

My family loves my baking and I love the feeling of this.

I bake because I can ignore the pain, the sorrow, the grief.

One more thing:

We as parents? We were not ready for this.

I see you.

I see you juggling work, homeschooling, and holding down the house.

I see you literally terrorized going to the grocery store to put food on your table.

I see you going to the grocery store with one of your kids, because you cannot leave them by themselves,

it is a fucking production.

Even if you don’t have kids. it is a fucking production

I see you wear those gloves and the mask on your face.

I see you come back home and take off your shoes outside.

I see you spray everything and wash your hands.

Maybe there is no need to keep yourself together.

I must announce: You all are rocking at this quarantine.

Yes, doing nice things for others is nice- but with caution!

Yup, it has been an emotional roller coaster for us.

We do not have control over the Covid-19 novela.

We are all tired and grateful we survive.

I see you

keeping your family always safe.

Let us recognize the corona journal and the days corona gave us:

The dark days

The light days

The angry days

The desperate days

The grief days

The blackout fear days

The hope days

The figuring out your life days

The financial worry day

The uncomfortable days

The comfy feeling days

The cheerleader days

The rainbow days

The easy (do not mess up with my mood) days

The day out of hell when no kids listen to you …and everything spills in the kitchen and your fucking energy does not align.

There you go! Another shit show.

Are we used to holding space for feelings? For others?

Are we trained to shut down?

Are we honoring this time to feel?

Are we being invaded by the numbness?

AMERICA! We are seduced by running full speed!

I can’t take it!

I can’t take another suggestion on how to keep a routine.

I am sick and tired of one more fucking video suggesting how to mother your kids, of 10,000 ways to work out and everything to distract yourself.

What I need is time to hold my babies.

if I honor myself then I can honor my nation and everything in between.

Our country is sad, and we can’t look away.

We cannot ignore how the Quarantine is affecting us and our children and our community.

It is so overwhelming that I STOP looking …….

I stop looking at social media sometimes.

I stop looking at the news sometimes, then I keep looking because I am scared for my kids, for my friends, for my neighborhood.

I stop, pause, move slowly, and take my time.

Today I pause to write and honor all my friends.

The friends who are expecting a baby and they are afraid.

The ones who are in labor today.

The ones who are alone in a remote place with no internet.

The ones who are single moms in these scary times.

The ones who share custody.

The ones in the city.

The ones in my town.

The farmers

The caregivers

The Dads

The Grandpas and Grandmas

The Teachers

The College students

The high schoolers that wont have graduation

The primary schoolers

The kindergarteners and the preschoolers, toddlers, and babies

The kids who are doing the best they can with no friends and no school

I honor those ones who were take way to soon by Covid-19

I will not pretend this pandemic is not happening

I will not look away.

Things are not ok.

People are not ok, and our children are not ok.

We cannot pretend

We can numb but until when “?”

For the moment,

I will use this pain

I will keep crafting

the undeniable moments of connection.

I will keep staring at the uncomfortable truth.

And I will wait for tomorrow

To hug you again

Love,

Natalia Bates.